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The Arsenal Files 8
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The Arsenal Files Collection #8 (Arsenal Computer) (1996).ISO
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rubyv61.zip
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RUBY61-7
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1996-09-30
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5KB
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105 lines
Copyright 1996(c)
MISTLE THIS! BY ICE-ICE-LAWYER
A Ruby D. Begonia Pearl
The office manager told Ruby there was an opening because the
last gal had told the boss she would not ask the boss to get her
lunch if the boss didn't ask her to get his. Ruby had bought
presents, gotten cleaning and filled up the car, so when he hinted
he might be hungry, Ruby ran into his office with a menu, a glass
of water, and pen poised over pad.
"Get me a ham and cheese on rye," he ordered.
"Yes sir, will that be all, sir?" asked Ruby, scribbling
furiously.
"Maybe a pickle," he mused. "Sliced longways, not across."
"Would that be sweet or dill, kosher or un?" asked Ruby.
"Yes," said the boss.
Ruby went to the restaurant and got the boss's lunch. Bringing
it back, she placed it on his desk, complete with napkin, utensils
and little packets of salt and pepper.
"What is this?" he asked.
"Pickle relish," said Ruby. "A compromise," she beamed.
"Get me a pickle," he said, shoving the pickle relish at her.
"Sliced longways, not across."
Ruby hustled out and returned with the requisite pickle.
"Could you get me a coke?" asked the boss.
"Certainly, sir," said Ruby. "Will that be all?"
He nodded and she went off to get a cup of ice over which she
poured coca-cola from the firm's supply. She returned, placed it
on the desk and said: "Bon appetit. I'll be back to check on you."
He looked at the coke.
"Hold it," said he.
Ruby stopped. She had served from the left. What, she
wondered, could be the problem. "Did you wish to see the dessert
tray?" she asked.
"These ice cubes are wrong," said the boss.
Wrong ice cubes? Was there such a thing? Did ice cubes, like
dogs and milk, turn on you? "They smelled okay to me," said Ruby.
"No, no," said he, impatiently. And then, curiously, "You
smelled my ice cubes?"
"Well, wouldn't you to be gettin' no 'off' ice cubes, you
know," Ruby explained. He frowned.
"Oh, dear, I've annoyed you, haven't I?" asked a worried Ruby.
He brushed aside her concern and pointed into the glass.
"These," said he, "are regular ice cubes."
"Uh-huh," said Ruby, "and you would want...?"
"I want those little ice cubes they have up on the 32nd
floor," he said.
"Right away, sir," said Ruby.
She trudged up four flights of stairs and retrieved a glassful
of little ice cubes. She brought them back to her floor, where she
found there was no more coke, and she quickly poured the old coke
off the big ice cubes into the glass with little ones.
She took it to the boss. He hmmmphed in satisfaction.
After lunch, Ruby cleared his desk, noting that he did not
leave a tip. The next day he ordered lunch and reminded her about
the small ice cubes.
"Be careful to get the ones on top," he said. "Yesterday, the
coke tasted watery, as if the cubes were the large ones."
"I'm sorry, sir," said Ruby. "Please, have a free dessert on
the management," she offered, placing a tootsie roll on the corner
of his desk.
When the office manager came by, Ruby looked up.
"Please get some of that typing done," she said, pointing at
a stack of tapes ready for transcription.
"When do I get to enjoy the ride, here, between you and Ice-
Ice Lawyer in there," she asked, pointing at the boss's closed
door.
"I think you may not be working out," said the office manager.
"I'll just check with him," she said, moving to the door.
"I wouldn't if I were you," said Ruby. "Boss don't like to be
disturbed when he's dining."
That afternoon the boss told Ruby he had a late appointment
and asked if she could stay.
"No prob," said Ruby. "I just have to run home and feed the
bulldog," said Ruby.
***
That evening, Ruby reported to her boyfriend, Sludge, that
she'd been terminated.
"Get off it," said Sludge. "You're virtual. You can't be
killed."
"No, I was fired," said Ruby. "I'm not sure what kind of
reference I'm gonna get, either. I tried to be really helpful, and
I went back and served his clients graciously and they said I was
inappli ... inappar -- dressed funny.
Sludge looked at the Ruby's shiny bodysuit, chartreuse fishnet
hose and stiletto heels.
"I was jus' tryin' to be of service," said Ruby, turning to
reveal the swatch of bunny fur pinned to her rear.
"What were you thinking?" asked Sludge
"I'm sorry if I have upset you, sir," Ruby began,
automatically, and then stopped. "Hey, said she, "why should I be
sorry, anyway? I was just being Ruby."
"No point in sorry," said Sludge. "Sorry don't feed the
bulldog," he remarked as he often did.
"I took care a'that before," said Ruby. "Why do you think I
changed clothes?" she asked.
"You were under duress?" asked Sludge.
"Heck no, I was thinkin' to get a tip," said Ruby. She mumbled
and grumbled all evening, the consensus of which was whined:
"Steada' firin me, he ought to be glad it wasn't mistletoe."
END